True dat.

Being so challenged by the workings of my mind, I have found it really helpful to understand its wiring better. Jung's cognitive functions that underpin the MBTI system have really opened my eyes. I really resonate with the INFP type, where I lead with introverted feeling (primary function), followed by extroverted intuition, (secondary function), followed by introverted sensing (tertiary function) and lastly the fourth function is extroverted thinking. In a nutshell I make decisions based on my inner feelings (primary function) and I process information using my extroverted intuition - a very fast paced function that detects patterns in the outer world and sees possibilities rather than just what is. I'm definitely a person who needs to feel inner motivation and passion to get stuff done. Routines drain me, and eventually I just get really depressed. So I'm naturally wired to push myself with whatever inspires me, but the fact that my body and mind no longer can keep up, is really frustrating. I can't get any momentum going, and I feel relegated to doing things that aren't too taxing, but also aren't too inspiring. I read a quote today about INFPs and their tendency to accumulate an obscene amount of to-do lists, folders of bookmarks, articles to read, things to draw, people to write letters to, places to go, and for some reason, they never manage to do any of it. That's because sensing and thinking are placed lower in their cognitive stack. Extroverted intuition (secondary function) likes the world of possibilities more than manifesting in the real world and dealing with reality which is what sensing is all about (tertiary function), and introverted feeling (primary function) prioritises what feels right or good, whereas extroverted thinking (fourth function) loves completion of projects and tasks. So I have an aspiration to be someone who gets shit done, who engages with the world, but ultimately I will first succumb to whatever I feel like doing at a given moment. So if a task is too overwhelming, or too boring, or too repetitive, I lose all motivation to complete the task. But if I'm fired up and inspired, all the wild horses in the world couldn't stop me. If the world, reality or other people around me are difficult, exhausting or unsafe, I retreat into my mind and my imagination, and put things off. 

In any case, thinking about the quote, I have decided to avoid doing too many lists, and instead take it one day at a time. Having list after list telling me to do things, that if I don't manage to do them, just makes me feel like shit, is not something that I need on my healing journey.

I feel ya, James Cameron. All the way. To a T.

I read a quote today that said unless my hero is a sociopath, characters have to face tough question and come to realisations that cause change. I would argue that even sociopaths must do this. I mean, look at Dexter - his life was one long shit storm of tough questions. The most important change is not necessarily in the character, but in the audience. Characters in a story  are really just mirrors of ourselves, and their journey a proxy for the ones we wish we could take, without having to face any real danger, heartache, pain or failure. Because in stories heroes always overcome their obstacles, or at the very least learn some important lesson that makes life worthwhile or perhaps just helps make sense of the world and our existence. In real life that's not always the case.