Thoughts From
the Mind of a Writer
 I made my first meme. I can't tell if that makes me totally cool or uncool. And I don't know if I picked the best picture. There were so many to choose from, I just ... [exploding head] ...
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Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. True dat.
 I'm not usually a fan of MBTI type generalisations, but as an INFP I can only concur that I share this problem. Although, I assume this could be true for any number of perceiving types, especially the other FPs (ENFPs, ESFPs and ISFPs).
In any case, I have decided to avoid doing too many lists, and instead I take it one day at a time. Writing a screenplay for me is like juggling. It’s like, how many balls can you get in the air at once? All those ideas have to float out there to a certain point and then they’ll crystallise into a pattern. It sometimes takes me three or four days to get into a head space where I can do that and if I get interrupted at any point I have to start over. So I couldn’t be one of these staff writers who hangs out, does a long lunch, goes back, and writes six pages in the afternoon. I feel ya, James Cameron. All the way. To a T.
Unless your hero is a sociopath, characters have to face tough questions and come to a realization that causes change. I would argue that even sociopaths must do this. I mean, look at Dexter - his life was one long shit storm of tough questions. The most important change is not necessarily in the character, but in the audience.
Sometimes a book isn't a heartbreaking work of staggering genius. Sometimes it's the only story you knew how to tell. Unless I tell myself this in order to let myself off the hook and not try my damnedest...
I want to write 'heartbreaking work of staggering genius' - whatever that means to me. Whether or not the world considers my work 'heartbreaking' and of 'staggering genius' is essentially beyond my control. Please stop destroying what is left of your heart by constantly thinking about things that have broken you. Must remember to be kind to myself. Thoughts can be so destructive. I repeat them enough times, they become true and my brain has effectively been rewired.
Happy new year to me! I hope I will feel better this year. I hope I will regain a new sense of happiness and joy. I hope I will find new purpose and meaning. I hope I will untangle all the thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart. And I hope that I once again can be the Marianne that everyone around me misses. Someone who has more energy, so I have enough to share with others and not just keep myself afloat. But I also hope that I can be a new me. A new me that has a clearer sense of my boundaries, of what I can and can’t do, of what I want and don’t want, of what I need and don’t need. A new me who is wiser, calmer, more at peace. And perhaps a new me with new goals, new motivations, new ideals and new ambitions. I hope I will no longer ask of myself what is the point of this or that, nor think that nothing really matters. I hope I will find the things that DO make a difference and surround myself with things and people that make me happy and whom I make happy too. I hope I will remember to take baby steps. I hope I won’t fall into the trap of overwhelming myself. Of trying to do more than I can handle. I hope I will stop running myself into the ground. I hope I will tackle my anxiety and face my fears. I hope I will pursue a balanced life - between work and rest, ambition and joy, myself and family/friends. I hope to return to a healthy diet and exercise routine. No more sugar, so help me God. My body should be my temple. It’s the only one I have. I hope I will develop lasting means of coping that will keep me strong and grounded. I hope the stress and anxiety will disappear. I hope that the little voice inside me will stop saying I am not good enough. I hope it will go silent.
I am thankful for the little things. This morning I woke up and the sky was blue. A rare sight during a Nordic winter.
This is not the time to give up This is not a moment of defeat This is an age of trials And a period of tribulations To test my resolve and undermine my stamina But I shall both surrender and not surrender Surrender to life which is always wiser than me But not surrender to nay-sayers and cynics and the voice inside my head that says hope is lost Because this is not the end Just a road less travelled A journey without a compass and without a map And with a destination that is unknown I must remember: Not all who wander are lost. In early 2014 I started exhibiting symptoms of severe exhaustion and low mood. By the end of 2014, I was so depressed that I thought I was becoming suicidal. Everything had lost meaning, and even things I used to like no longer held any joy. I couldn't get out of bed, nor find the will nor desire to do anything that might improve my circumstances. I was floundering and felt utterly lost. My life was so pointless, so exhausting. It turned out I had an autoimmune disease, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, and it would take me the next 8 years to figure out how to feel better, as the conventional thyroid medication my doctor pushed on me did nothing to improve my exhaustion, my depression, my anxiety or my brain fog. I went on a long (and alternative health) journey of physical, psychological and spiritual discovery, and little by little I clawed my back to the light - and the living. I wrote the above poem on a good day when I was able to tell myself to keep going.
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AuthorI'm Marianne. I'm a writer. Writing down stuff helps me understand life better. Maybe this stuff will help you too. Categories
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