I don't really feel old, but I must be, because I look around me, and I just don't subscribe to what everybody else is doing. Remember, how when you were little, old people always complained about young people, lamenting what would become of the youth. Well, sometimes I find myself doing that. Like I don't get the obsession with social media. I don't get the obsession with selfies, and duck faces, and the excessive amounts of make-up, pruning and what not young women subject themselves to. If it at least made them look good. No, instead they just look fake and generic. I notice that especially Americans make a real virtue of being workaholics. Saying "I work hard" is like the ultimate positive trait. But I don't see it like that. Those people never smell the roses, life passes them by. They sacrifice relationships and good experiences, and all their success and results don't make them more endearing. Because their success doesn't make my life better, in fact it may even make it worse. Just think about what has driven global pollution, social disparity and international conflict. Human greed. I don't get the pressure people place on themselves that success is only achieved when you have an impact on the world, when you make the world a "better" place (very subjective term), when everybody else acknowledges your significance. Actually, maybe I do get that, because that used to be me. And then I realised what a hollow pursuit that is, because it is a never-ending goal with no end in sight. There will always be someone smarter than you, prettier than you, richer than you. Instead, think of this: When you impact the people around you, you impact on the world; when you help or show kindness to those you love and even those you don't love, you make the world a better place; and success as a human being is not measured in fame, riches or accolades, but rather in how the people who knew you will remember you. When you die, the only thing you take with you is the wisdom and love you accumulated. I place far more value on these traits, although I still feel that I can do so much more on that front too. I spend so much time feeling drained by the world and by people, I feel like I have so little offer in return.

True dat.

Being so challenged by the workings of my mind, I have found it really helpful to understand its wiring better. Jung's cognitive functions that underpin the MBTI system have really opened my eyes. I really resonate with the INFP type, where I lead with introverted feeling (primary function), followed by extroverted intuition, (secondary function), followed by introverted sensing (tertiary function) and lastly the fourth function is extroverted thinking. In a nutshell I make decisions based on my inner feelings (primary function) and I process information using my extroverted intuition - a very fast paced function that detects patterns in the outer world and sees possibilities rather than just what is. I'm definitely a person who needs to feel inner motivation and passion to get stuff done. Routines drain me, and eventually I just get really depressed. So I'm naturally wired to push myself with whatever inspires me, but the fact that my body and mind no longer can keep up, is really frustrating. I can't get any momentum going, and I feel relegated to doing things that aren't too taxing, but also aren't too inspiring. I read a quote today about INFPs and their tendency to accumulate an obscene amount of to-do lists, folders of bookmarks, articles to read, things to draw, people to write letters to, places to go, and for some reason, they never manage to do any of it. That's because sensing and thinking are placed lower in their cognitive stack. Extroverted intuition (secondary function) likes the world of possibilities more than manifesting in the real world and dealing with reality which is what sensing is all about (tertiary function), and introverted feeling (primary function) prioritises what feels right or good, whereas extroverted thinking (fourth function) loves completion of projects and tasks. So I have an aspiration to be someone who gets shit done, who engages with the world, but ultimately I will first succumb to whatever I feel like doing at a given moment. So if a task is too overwhelming, or too boring, or too repetitive, I lose all motivation to complete the task. But if I'm fired up and inspired, all the wild horses in the world couldn't stop me. If the world, reality or other people around me are difficult, exhausting or unsafe, I retreat into my mind and my imagination, and put things off. 

In any case, thinking about the quote, I have decided to avoid doing too many lists, and instead take it one day at a time. Having list after list telling me to do things, that if I don't manage to do them, just makes me feel like shit, is not something that I need on my healing journey.

I feel ya, James Cameron. All the way. To a T.

I read a quote today that said unless my hero is a sociopath, characters have to face tough question and come to realisations that cause change. I would argue that even sociopaths must do this. I mean, look at Dexter - his life was one long shit storm of tough questions. The most important change is not necessarily in the character, but in the audience. Characters in a story  are really just mirrors of ourselves, and their journey a proxy for the ones we wish we could take, without having to face any real danger, heartache, pain or failure. Because in stories heroes always overcome their obstacles, or at the very least learn some important lesson that makes life worthwhile or perhaps just helps make sense of the world and our existence. In real life that's not always the case.

I find that my health challenges have really robbed me of my brain and mind. Writing is such an arduous task. I have trouble keeping all the balls in the air when constructing plot and character.  My mind just can't keep up, can't hold all the information together at the same time. So what I write is no longer as good as what I have come to expect of myself. As much as I hate lowering my standards, I think that I should just try to keep writing. Maybe every story needn't be a work of genius, maybe sometimes it's just what I was able to tell, with honesty and truth. Unless I'm telling myself this in order to let myself off the hook and not try my damnedest...
I want to write stories that entertain, inspire and transcend the mundane, stories that remind us that we are all part of the same human condition. Whether or not the world considers my work any good or even pays it any attention is essentially beyond my control.

I must remember to be kind to myself. Thoughts can be so destructive. I repeat them enough times, they become true and my brain has effectively been rewired. Let's not continue to break what is already broken. I must not destroy my spirit by constantly thinking about all the things that have and are crushing me. 

I am thankful for the little things. This morning I woke up and the sky was blue. A rare sight during a Nordic winter. ​

This is not the time to give up
This is not a moment of defeat
This is an age of trials
And a period of tribulations
To test my resolve and undermine my stamina
But I shall both surrender and not surrender
Surrender to life which is always wiser than me
But not surrender to despair and
the voice inside my head that says hope is lost
Because this is not the end
Just a road less travelled
A journey without a compass and without a map
And with a destination that is unknown
I must remember:
Not all who wander are lost.

In early 2014 I started exhibiting symptoms of severe exhaustion and low mood. By the end of 2014, I was so depressed that I thought I was becoming suicidal. Everything had lost meaning, and even things I used to like no longer held any joy. I couldn't get out of bed, nor find the will nor desire to do anything that might improve my circumstances. I was floundering and felt utterly lost. My life was so pointless, so exhausting. It turned out I had an autoimmune disease, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, and it would take me the next 10 years to figure out how to feel better, as the conventional thyroid medication my doctor pushed on me did nothing to improve my exhaustion, my depression, my anxiety or my brain fog. I went on a long (and alternative health) journey of physical, psychological and spiritual discovery, and little by little I clawed my way back to the light - and the living. I wrote the above poem on a good day when I was able to tell myself to keep going. I have not gone back to being the same person, but I have found peace with the new circumstances that now make up my life. In the end, the most useful resource I found that helped me the most, was Anthony William, a.k.a. the medical medium, and his protocols and information.