Thoughts From the Mind of a Writer

Be kind - Do Not Rewind

3/3/2016

Please stop destroying what is left of your heart by constantly thinking about things that have broken you.
- Nikita Gill

Must remember to be kind to myself. Thoughts can be so destructive. I repeat them enough times, they become true and my brain has effectively been rewired.

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Happy new year to me! I hope I will feel better this year. I hope I will regain a new sense of happiness and joy. I hope I will find new purpose and meaning. I hope I will untangle all the thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart. And I hope that I once again can be the Marianne that everyone around me misses. Someone who has more energy, so I have enough to share with others and not just keep myself afloat. But I also hope that I can be a new me. A new me that has a clearer sense of my boundaries, of what I can and can’t do, of what I want and don’t want, of what I need and don’t need. A new me who is wiser, calmer, more at peace. And perhaps a new me with new goals, new motivations, new ideals and new ambitions. I hope I will no longer ask of myself what is the point of this or that, nor think that nothing really matters. I hope I will find the things that DO make a difference and surround myself with things and people that make me happy and whom I make happy too. I hope I will remember to take baby steps. I hope I won’t fall into the trap of overwhelming myself. Of trying to do more than I can handle. I hope I will stop running myself into the ground. I hope I will tackle my anxiety and face my fears. I hope I will pursue a balanced life - between work and rest, ambition and joy, myself and family/friends. I hope to return to a healthy diet and exercise routine. No more sugar, so help me God. My body should be my temple. It’s the only one I have. I hope I will develop lasting means of coping that will keep me strong and grounded. I hope the stress and anxiety will disappear. I hope that the little voice inside me will stop saying I am not good enough. I hope it will go silent.

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This Is Not The End

29/11/2014

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This is not the time to give up
This is not a moment of defeat
This is an age of trials
And a period of tribulations
To test my resolve and undermine my stamina
But I shall both surrender and not surrender
Surrender to life which is always wiser than me
But not surrender to nay-sayers and cynics
and the voice inside my head that says hope is lost
Because this is not the end
Just a road less travelled
A journey without a compass and without a map
And with a destination that is unknown
I must remember:
Not all who wander are lost.

In early 2014 I started exhibiting symptoms of severe exhaustion and low mood. By the end of 2014, I was so depressed that I thought I was becoming suicidal. Everything had lost meaning, and even things I used to like no longer held any joy. I couldn't get out of bed, nor find the will nor desire to do anything that might improve my circumstances. I was floundering and felt utterly lost. My life was so pointless, so exhausting. It turned out I had an autoimmune disease, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, and it would take me the next 8 years to figure out how to feel better, as the conventional thyroid medication my doctor pushed on me did nothing to improve my exhaustion, my depression, my anxiety or my brain fog. I went on a long (and alternative health) journey of physical, psychological and spiritual discovery, and little by little I clawed my back to the light - and the living. I wrote the above poem on a good day when I was able to tell myself to keep going.

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