This Is Not The End

This is not the time to give up
This is not a moment of defeat
This is an age of trials
And a period of tribulations
To test my resolve and undermine my stamina
But I shall both surrender and not surrender
Surrender to life which is always wiser than me
But not surrender to nay-sayers and cynics
and the voice inside my head that says hope is lost
Because this is not the end
Just a road less travelled
A journey without a compass and without a map
And with a destination that is unknown
I must remember:
Not all who wander are lost.

---

In early 2014 I started exhibiting symptoms of severe exhaustion and low mood. By the end of 2014, I was so depressed that I thought I was becoming suicidal. Everything had lost meaning, and even things I used to like no longer held any joy. I couldn't get out of bed, nor find the will nor desire to do anything that might improve my circumstances. I was floundering and felt utterly lost. My life was so pointless, so exhausting. It turned out I had an autoimmune disease, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, and it would take me the next 8 years to figure out how to feel better, as the conventional thyroid medication my doctor pushed on me did nothing to improve my exhaustion, my depression, my anxiety or my brain fog. I went on a long (and alternative health) journey of physical, psychological and spiritual discovery, and little by little I clawed my back to the light - and the living. I wrote the above poem on a good day when I was able to tell myself to keep going.